The Lessons Learned from The New Hampshire Primaries

New Hampshire Polls actual

Go home New Hampshire electorate, you’re clearly drunk.

 

 

This morning, we were all Alec Baldwin getting a call from an arrested Jason Schwartzman and ordering more Bresciani Socks through Amazon! Last night’s primaries were in fact that crazy! We’re not sure if there are any lessons to be learned from the situation, but there sure as hell are takeaways! Here’s some of the potential lessons from last night’s New Hampshire primary.

 

 

Last Night was Crazy…

Jumping Out of Window

 

So much stuff happened last night that profoundly affected the GOP primaries going forward, the only way to possibly even approach the subject is to take it all in chunks.

 

  • Chris Christie, Carly Fiorina, and Ben Carson didn’t even break 10%. So according to New Hampshire primary rules, they didn’t receive any delegates last night. This was the only predictable event in the GOP primaries last night.

 

  • Marco Rubio got fifth in the New Hampshire primary last night. This was shocking and it kind of now puts the entire GOP primary race up in the air. The guy that many thought was going to be the inevitable GOP nominee – including us – completely shat the bed last night, in such a way that he now goes back into the pack of GOP Establishment contenders which took him months to separate from. Rubio’s performance basically erased months of campaigning. So yeah, that happened…

 

  • Jeb Bush got fourth place leading the predictive markets to give a bump to Bush’s chances at the nomination. While Jeb Bush did over-achieve in New Hampshire, let’s not go overboard here, he has a loooong way to go before people start taking him as a serious contender once again.

 

 

  •  No one legitimately thought Ted Cruz was going to do this well in New Hampshire. Considering polls and the campaign themselves abandoned New Hampshire thinking that it was a lost cause, Cruz polled remarkably well in third place and is one of the least talked about stories from last night that could have major ripples moving forward.

 

  • Man of God, did John Kasich have a night! With getting just over 15% of the vote, Kasich put all of his chips in New Hampshire and to his credit, it paid off! Yet if you think about it, last night’s outcome makes a lot of sense. New Hampshire has many Independents in the state, so Kasich’s message resonates with them pretty well. And while a win here did give his campaign new life, this might be where the Kasich hype-train ends. In states like South Carolina and Nevada, less people identify themselves as independents. This means Kasich’s message will undoubtedly resonate less. But for right now, party like there’s no tomorrow Kasich campaign, because there probably won’t be!

 

Party

 

  • And finally we get to Donald Trump, the winner of last night’s New Hampshire primaries!

 

 

Ugh… we can’t even, right now. We need more time to process this. Actually the events of last night deserve their own post. So more on this in a bit.

 

 

Congrats New Hampshire, You Broke Gregg Popovich!

https://vine.co/v/i1E5LTtKwgP

 

All of you in the state of New Hampshire are truly history’s greatest monsters!

 

 

…But Not THAT Crazy.

Normal

 

Ok everyone that is calling the Bernie Sanders beat down of Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire “politically shocking”, we should all just take a few steps back and breathe.

 

The Simpsons Jumping Back

 

Unlike the GOP primaries, the Democratic primaries have been relatively stable, if not completely predictable up to this point! In Iowa, the contest was always going to be a toss-up between Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton.

 

And it was.

 

In New Hampshire, Sanders was always going to handily beat Clinton due to the demographic advantage he had on the state (his ability to attract affluent-White-liberals to his base).

 

Which he did.

 

As we have said from the beginning, until Sanders can show he can effectively court the minority blocs (especially Latinos and African-American blocs), there is no real story to how well Sanders is currently doing. His real litmus test comes in South Carolina. Till then, everything is going as planned.

 

 

I, For One, Welcome Our New Computer Overlords

 

We’d like to remind Google that as trusted Internet talking heads we could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground datamining caves!

 

 

GOD DAMN IT! YOU HEARD BEN AND JERRY, GET TO THE FUCKING POLLS!!!

 

Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield. Ice cream moguls, philanthropists, and as of yesterday with a Bernie Sanders win in New Hampshire, king makers! Yes, they are truly, men of many hats!

 

 

Glory to the Wild Card

Trump at Anti-Debate Rally

 

Ok deep breath…

 

Now, where to start?

 

We’re going to be straight with you guys. We never figured Donald Trump to be as successful as he has been in these primaries. It’s honestly been completely shocking. What traditionally has killed regular candidates, somehow endears Trump to his supporters even more. Things like calling Ted Cruz a “pussy” and wanting to ban basically all brown people from the US would usually sink normal candidates, yet somehow emboldens Trump supporters. He truly is the Bizarro Superman of the political world!

 

Yet that’s not even the crazy part of a Trump’s campaign thus far! It’s the unexplainable luck that the campaign continues to have throughout these primaries!

 

Oh a guy like Jeb Bush poses a huge challenge for you because he has political backing and an ungodly sum of super PAC money? No worries, Bush will underperform for most of the campaign sending the GOP Establishment into questioning their own pick.

 

What is that, your nearest challenger is Ted Cruz, a guy that attracts the same base as you do? Don’t sweat it, he’s one of the most unlikable guys in the field, making the GOP Establishment choose you over him if it ever came to that.

 

What, some upstart senator like Marco Rubio is gaining too much momentum going into New Hampshire? Relax, the New Hampshire primary will break in such a way that Rubio will get buried so you not only gain a sizable delegate lead over him, but it will also give candidates like John Kasich and Jeb Bush enough support that they continue to stay in the GOP primaries, which will continue to fracture the voting pool of the GOP Establishment GIVING YOU ENOUGH VOTES TO WIN STATES THAT WERE ONCE UNTHINKABLE TO YOU!!!

 

Head exploding

 

If you would have asked us yesterday if Trump had any chance of capturing the GOP nomination, we would have laughed at you. Plain and simple.

 

Now, after the events of New Hampshire? With Trump continuing to gain considerable support with every state and the GOP Establishment candidates continuing to fracture their own base, leaving Trump with no legitimate opponent, and continuing to get the MOST amount of luck he has through these primaries.

 

Hell, maybe he does have a chance at the nomination? Which was unthinkable a day ago.

 

I guess what we’re trying to say is this.

 

 

That’s the 2016 GOP primaries in a nutshell. Logic and numbers no longer have a place here. And with that, we are out like Poochie.

 

 

Because nothing makes sense anymore.

 

Wild card bitches…

 

(Photo Credit: Bernie Sanders Instagram, Google Images, DonladTrump.com)

 

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  1. Pingback: An Ode to the Brawlers: Christie and Fiorina Suspend Their Campaigns | The Post Turtle

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