Our wrap-up of last night’s GOP debate!
A great man once said, “life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Well while you were living your life, we were obsessively obsessed with politics. NO YOU’RE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM!
Here’s what happened last night at the first GOP primary debate!
Carly Fiorina’s Fiery Debate Performance from Last Night’s “Pre-Game Debate”
Oh my bad, that’s actually Chris Davis of the Baltimore Oriels scoring a home run. It’s from the game where they played the Chicago White Sox earlier this year in an empty stadium in Baltimore. Ah, but they might as well be the same thing!
Going “Full Trump”
There were many questions regarding to how the actions of one Mr. Donald J. Trump would affect yesterday’s GOP debate. Would he come out the gates aggressive and be in full attack mode or would he lay back because of his cushy 10+ point lead in the polls?
Well, you got your answer in the first two minutes of the debate…
Yup, he was going “Full Trump” tonight!
Whether it was the sickest of burns to Rosie O’Donnell(??) or his asinine views on immigration, there was no denying it, we were getting the full Donald Trump experience! I don’t think Donald Trump will win the Republican ticket because…well…I’m not convinced our society has reached full Idiocracy levels quite yet. But I do know one thing, we’re getting the “Full Trump” for the rest of this election!
HA! No One Knows Who the Fuck Ted Cruz Is!
If you look closely, that spike in Google’s search results was around the time that Ted Cruz was introduced. The only conclusion you can make from this is that the general public doesn’t know who Ted Cruz, the current sitting US Senator of Texas and Tea Party darling, actually is.
And I can’t envy those people enough…
Find the Kernel of Truth
We’re going to play a little game called Find the Kernel of Truth! The next three statements were taken from last night’s GOP debate, so can you spot the kernel of truth within the mountain of bullshit? Let’s find out!
A) “Our Navy is at its smallest size since 1970, our Air Force since 1940.” (Ben Carson)
B) “I took the state of Ohio from an $8 billion hole, to a $2 billion surplus.” (John Kasich)
C) “$700 billion was robbed from Medicare to pay for Obamacare.” (Mike Huckabee)
For the answer and general explanation, highlight the space next to the letter.
A) False: Well first off, the Air Force wasn’t created till the late 1940’s so factually that’s wrong. On top of that, reliable data on the exact size of the US military is extremely hard to come by, for obvious reasons. While the number of aircraft have been scaled back, that doesn’t mean the size of our military has been decreased. With WAY MORE MONEY going into the US military than in 1940, I can’t see how Carson’s statement can’t be anything other than bullshit.
B) True: Yup, he got that right! Granted the $8 billion figure is a little fudged because he rounded up – some say it’s more like $6 billion – but as governor of Ohio, Kasich did have a “rainy day fund” of $2 billion while he was in office.
C) False: While the Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare) does reduce Medicare spending, however to say that it “robbed $700 billion from Medicare” is completely disingenuous. The ACA looks to cut cost of Medicare by reducing payments from hospitals and private insurers, not from beneficiaries that use the system. To us, Huckabee’s claim is hot garbage.
So Hillary Clinton Watching the Debate with Kim K. and Kanye West is a Thing That Happened Last Night
What Conservatives Have to Live With If [PUT NAME HERE] Wins the GOP Ticket
No politician even encapsulates the views of their party perfectly. So if one of the 10 candidates from last night’s GOP debate win the party ticket, based on the things they said last night, here are the areas where they differ from the traditional GOP agenda.
Donald Trump: Supports a Single-Payer Healthcare system, which is essentially what the Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare) is. Granted, Trump’s take on the healthcare system is actually a pretty solid idea – yes I’m as surprised as you are for using the words “Trump” and “solid idea” in the same sentence – but if you’re voting on straight Republican principles in 2016, Single-Payer option is not something you want from your candidate.
Jeb Bush: He went against the conservative grain by supporting Common Core standards for public schools. Generally conservatives want nothing to do with Common Core and want’s the state and local school district’s to set standards for public schools. Bush is ok with that as long as those schools are better than the Common Core standards. Hmmm… he might be missing the point here.
Scott Walker: While it is true, most conservatives are pro-choice, Walker saying that he believes abortion is illegal in all cases – even when it pertains to saving the mother’s life – puts him as the outlier. Based on the wide swath of people who identify themselves as Republicans, he’s in the minority in saying abortion is illegal in all cases. In this Pew Research study it showed that only 22% of Republicans believed abortion to be illegal in all cases. While the Republicans definitely want to limit the access to who can get an abortion, blanketed views on abortion put Walker in the minority of his own party. Well, except one other person, but we’ll get to him in a bit.
Ben Carson: He did what he has always done when it comes to the matter of race, he avoided it like the plague. This one is a bit of a stretch, but some conservatives want Carson to talk more about race because he’s been put in a unique perspective of being the only African-American candidate in the field. Based on last night’s answer however, he looks to want no part of it.
Ted Cruz: He was basically clean last night, followed the Republican agenda to a tee! Then again he did say the US President should be more like Egypt’s “President” Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, who many have called a dictator. So here’s Cruz riding on an eagle – but clearly looking like he’s taking the eagle from behind – from his official coloring book, because a ridiculous statement deserves to be paired with an equally ridiculous image.
Marco Rubio: Rubio shares the same views that Walker does on abortion, he just squirmed his way out of the question better last night.
Rand Paul: To Republicans, Israel is like the Texas of international aid, you just don’t mess with it! Even though Paul sidestepped on the question of cutting funding to Israel in last night’s debate, it’s pretty clear that it’s something on his agenda. Not sure if other Republicans would agree with his international policy.
Mike Huckabee: One of the few issues that Huckabee diverges with traditional conservatives on is in entitlement reform. Huckabee does not want to touch Medicare and Social Security. Fiscal conservatives however want to cut huge chunks out of it, like specified in his exchange with Christie last night.
Chris Christie: When it comes to the matter of security, Christie would rather allow massive data collection – aka the government having the right to go through your phone records, emails, ect – than preserve an individual’s right to privacy. He even got into it with Paul over it last night. Can’t see many Tea Partiers backing the collection of mass data on US citizens for vague national security purposes.
John Kasich: Last night he said he respected the Supreme Court’s decision on gay marriage, even if he didn’t personally agree with it. That means he wouldn’t try and stifle the argument or even try to bring it to the state level in hopes of being reversed. And the crowd last night – who I assume were people that identified themselves as conservatives – actually cheered?! But then again they cheered after the gross remarks that Huckabee made about transgender and gay military service people saying, “the military is not a social experiment… the purpose of the military is kill people and break things.” So ok, two things. One, I think Huckabee is getting the US military confused with the Incredible Hulk, which is understandable because they are both green and fight bad guys. And two, are conservatives finally coming around on gay marriage? Because that would be the biggest takeaway from these debates!
Because of Course Jon Stewart Nailed It
He didn’t even try to talk about last night’s GOP debate – mostly because it was his last show and it was taped before the debates had even taken place – but that doesn’t mean he didn’t nail what this debate season was all about.
(Photo and Video Credits: Fox News, YouTube, Google Analytics, Instagram, Google Images, The Offical Ted Cruz Coloring Book, Comedy Central)