The Five Stages of Trump: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Side Show

Donald Trump Rally

We know you’re having a hard time coming to terms with Donald Trump leading the GOP field. But don’t worry, Trump isn’t winning the 2016 GOP ticket.



All of us deal with Donald Trump’s 2016 presidential run differently. Some lash out in anger when he vomits words from a microphone. Others choose to ignore him completely. For us at The Post Turtle, we check an aggregated poll at the end of the week to see if Trump is still on top. It’s been kind of like Christmas morning every time we check the poll. Only difference is instead of that new bike you’ve wanted, for the past two weeks, it’s felt like someone coming out from behind the Christmas tree, kicking you in the genitals, then screaming “Trump 2016” as you wither to the floor in pain.


There’re a lot of emotions to deal with when hearing Donald Trump is leading in the 2016 Republican primary polls. For us, we went five very specific stages.



Stage 1: Denial


“Hold up, hold up! He’s beating the entire GOP field! LIKE THE ENTIRE FIELD!?! A field that includes a Bush, a poster boy for libertarianism, an Hispanic Senator from Florida, and various governors that were once called the GOP’s ‘Next Great Neo-Con,’ is getting beat by a guy I’m pretty sure has surgically implanted hair where his brain should be?!? WHAT. THE. FUCK!!! Are we being ‘Punked’ right now? ‘Punked’ still a thing, right? You can come out now Ashton Kutcher?”     


For anyone who actually follows politics, it’s hard to take Trump seriously as a candidate. That’s because Trump is a crazy person! Since his campaign has started, Trump has praised Russian President Vladimir Putin, alienated one of the largest voting blocs in the US, and managed to shit on American POWs. Yet, HE STILL LEADS THE GOP PRIMARY POLLS!! It just doesn’t make any sense, there must be an error in this somewhere…



Stage 2: Anger       


“Well fuck it, right?! I mean nothing matters anymore. Why write about thoughtful policy when some insane real estate mogul is just going to derail this entire thing! It’s clearly not about the issues, unless you’re behind the bat-shit insanity platform! If you are, then congratulations, I hear the Biff World-esque reality that Trump will create as president is terrifying! You think 20 foot gold-platted letters spelling ‘TRUMP’ in front of the White House would be too gaudy? I mean…. FUCK!!!!!!!!!”


In the last two weeks, two Republican candidates gave amazing speeches. One was from Rick Perry in which he talked about confronting the complicated issue of the Republican Party and race relations in America. The other was from Marco Rubio, in which he talked about looking ahead at the complicated economic decisions that lay forth for a Republican president. They were such great speeches because both talked about real substantive issues without pandering or betraying their party ideals. But the media instead focused on Trump’s insane ramblings instead. Don’t believe me, just look at the Huffington Post. For a major media outlet that decided to stop talking about Donald Trump’s 2016 campaign, they sure are talk a lot about his 2016 campaign. But it isn’t just them; every other media outlet is doing the same thing, paying more attention to Trump than any other 2016 candidate!!




Flipping Over the Table



Step 3: Bargaining


“I think I get it now. Donald Trump’s campaign is new and exciting! He has name recognition and talks about topics at a level that you can understand. Point taken America! BUT COME ON!!!! You’re not voting on someone to be the most entertaining president – if you are then you’re right, the continual tire fire that would be the Trump administration would be entertaining as hell – but you’re voting on the person who would be the most competent president! Ok, so what’s it gonna take? Would a contest randomly picking Americans to become ambassadors of less important – but still cool –countries persuade you not to vote Trump in 2016? Because I think that could be arranged…”   


Hey there is legitimate data out there that suggests incentives increase voter turnout and political literacy. Now what if we tried to do the opposite, incentivize people not to vote for a certain candidate. Hell, when it comes to Trump, we’ll even incentivize people not to vote at all if it means he won’t get the GOP nomination!




You know what, the second I said it I knew we crossed a line there. You should vote for whoever you want to. Even if it’s…. [DEEP BREATH]… even if it’s for Donald Trump. Sorry about that, things got real dark there for a minute.



Step 4: Depression


“A fuck it, none of this really matters anyway. In the end, what are we anyway other than just specks of dust just floating, slaves to the populace’s whims. We are just pawns in the great political machine that America calls ‘democracy.’ Your vote doesn’t matter unless you live in Florida. In that case, you have bigger problems than Trump getting the GOP nomination, because you live in Florida (aka America’s penis). And that’s depressing enough.”


If you look at an aggregate poll of the 2012 GOP contenders, you’ll see that primaries are in reality total crapshoots! At one point Newt Gingrich, Herman Cain, Rick Perry, and Rick Santorum were going to be the 2012 GOP nominee, but lost their footing due to random shifts in voter acceptance. It’s all just random. Nothing matters.


eeyore gloomy place


Wait a minute…



Step 5: Acceptance (That Donald Trump Isn’t Going to Win the 2016 Republican Ticket)


“Oh that’s right, in a crazy primary race, a “Donald Trump” always gets an early lead!”


Ok so let’s look at the Huffington Post’s GOP primary aggregate poll for 2012 once again.


Herman Cain 2012 Poll


You see the part that we circled in the aggregate poll? That right there was when Herman Cain led the 2012 GOP primary in the middle of October 2011. You remember Herman Cain, right? A guy that quoted a song from a Pokémon movie during a national debate. A guy that took his “999 Plan” from the classic PC game SimCity. Herman Cain, a guy that made a hypothetical speech on the scenario that the US was being attacked by aliens!!




It’s around then that we started to calm down over Trump leading the current GOP primary polls. Because Trump, like Herman Cain before him, is just the GOP flavor of the month. The combination of strong name recognition and him tapping into positions that appeal to the far-right (immigration, President Obama’s place of birth, ect) is creating a perfect storm at the moment. For most sane people who are worried Trump might get the GOP nomination shouldn’t be, everyone just has to ride out this storm.


Though with so much media attention being paid to Donald Trump as of late, we do have something to say to the media:



Seriously guys, Donald Trump is not a real contender. Everyone should stop treating him as one.


Stop trying to make fetch happen.



(Photo Credits:, Google Images, Huffington Post Polls,



Filed under Features, TPT Originals

3 Responses to The Five Stages of Trump: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Side Show

  1. Pingback: Going Dancin’: The Post Turtle’s Guide to Who’s Going to the GOP Debates (PART 1) | The Post Turtle

  2. Noblesse Oblige

    Yet another sewer dwelling left wing whacko troll who sees himself as cleverer than thou or anyone else…

  3. Pingback: Some Primer for the Fourth GOP Primary Debate | The Post Turtle

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