Going Dancin’: The Post Turtle’s Guide to the GOP Debates (PART 1)

Futurama Debate

Part 1 of our guide talks about The Contenders and The Most Asinine One-Man Show on Earth



Admit it! You’re way more excited about the Republican primary debates than the Democratic primary debates. And in all honesty, why wouldn’t you be!! With so many Republicans vying for the GOP ticket, the August 6th debate is going to be the Royal Rumble of primary debates! Now to make it more manageable, the Republican Party – who is taking over the debates this year – has said they will invite only the top 10 presidential candidates to speak at the debates. Based on how they interpret their own rules, it can be tricky to see who’s going to the big show. Luckily we did the leg work so you don’t have to. So here’s Part 1 of The Post Turtle’s guide to who’s going to the August 6th Republican Primary Debates!



The Most Asinine One-Man Show on Earth


Because let’s just call a spade, a spade!    



Spot #1 – Donald Trump (21.6% of the vote)

Donald Trump Running


As of this writing, deranged billionaire Donald Trump is currently in the lead with over 20% of the vote. Also as of this writing, he publically gave Sen. Lindsey Graham’s private cell phone number in a rally that took place in South Carolina, Sen. Graham’s home state. Apologies, we really should write that with the proper inflection.




We all know that Trump is a crazy person. We also know Trump has zero chance of winning the Republican primary. You should also know crazy people make primary debates that much more exciting! You thought nothing in your heart could ever replace Rick Perry’s three agencies of government moment in the 2012 Republican primaries? Well buddy, get ready to love again! Trump is in the building and he’s cranked the crazy up to FUCKING ELEVEN! Oh. My. God. August 6th can’t come soon enough. I CAN’T CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT!!


Chris Farley gif



The Contenders


These guys look to be in it for the long-haul.



Spot #2 – Jeb Bush (13.9% of the vote)

Jeb Bush


Here’s my theory. I think the debates will actually hurt Jeb Bush. That’s not to say Bush is a bad speaker or has nothing substantial in the form of policy to present, but with 10 GOP candidates (with at least five of them being bat shit insane), it’s going to be hard for Bush to stand out from the crowd.


But in reality, Jeb Bush doesn’t need these debates. We know what Jeb Bush is. He’s the prototypical Republican candidate that brings an air of familiarity to GOP field full of crazy uncles. It’s the reason he’ll be a perennial front-runner throughout the 2016 Republican primary. However in a three-ring circus, it’s also the reason he’ll be regulated to the background.


Then again in 2012, this strategy worked for Mitt Romney. Conventional wisdom says it will work for Bush as well.



Spot #3 – Scott Walker (8% of the vote)

Scott Walker


If we’re being honest here, Walker looks to have “IT” when it comes to the Republican primaries. Out of the entire GOP field, Scott Walker has the most legitimate buzz going for him. Even though many detest Walker for how he crippled public unions in Wisconsin, just as many conservatives look at him as a folk hero for what he was able to do in a traditionally blue state. While it’s still unknown what his specific policies will be, he’s promising to cut the size of government, which has made him a fundraising heavyweight.


In 2012, conservative buzz gave you the lead multiple times – just ask Newt Gingrich or Rick Perry – but it never was enough to give you the primary. Conventional wisdom says guys like Jeb Bush and Mitt Romney win primaries. In that sense, Walker needs these debates to give the Republican caucus a better idea of who he is as a politician. Because just saying you “killed unions” in Wisconsin will only get you to the dance. However if he can turn that conservative buzz into legitimate primary votes, Walker could be that “neo-con savior” the GOP has been waiting for since Ronald Reagan.



In Part 2: The Dark Horses and the Crazy Like a Foxes



(Photo Credit: Google Images, YouTube, DonaldJTrump.com, Wikipedia)



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3 Responses to Going Dancin’: The Post Turtle’s Guide to the GOP Debates (PART 1)

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