A playthrough diary of Mission Majority, the Republican’s flash game/campaign ad for the 2014 Midterms.
8:00 AM (CST)
Like discovering most beautiful things on this Earth, it came out of nowhere. You wake up thinking it’s just a random Tuesday morning and then, just like the black monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey, it’s there. That is exactly how Mission Majority came into my life. It’s random, weird, and exactly the kind of out-of-touch thing you expect a political party to do during election season. It looked to be a terrible flash game/campaign ad for the Republican Party in hopes attracting supporters for the 2014 Midterms.
In other words, I was instantly intrigued!
The first thing I see when going to Mission Majority’s website is this:
It reads, “Hi, my name is Giopi! I’m one of the GOP’s best volunteers for the 2014 midterms, and I’m here to show you how we can win back the Senate! There is going to be a lot of red tape and regulations in our way, but we need to overcome them in order to succeed. At the end of each level, there is a link that will bring you to a site where you can support Republicans in real life. Ready to get started? Great, have fun!”
Well (1) after reading that I don’t think I have ever been so excited to play something so stupid in my life and (2) this is more of a recruitment ad than a campaign one, which is strange. Like why a video game? Who’s going to play this and be like, “DAMNNNN, that game was dope son! I need to help spread the message of conservative fiscal spending, like TA-DAY!!!”
Because that guy doesn’t exist.
Regardless, this is the type of dumb bullshit and political synergy that I can get behind! LET’S DO THIS!!!
Ugh, you have to be kidding…
To be honest this took the wind out of my sails significantly. Like really?!? You want me to give you my email or some kind of social media access so you can spam me later with it?
Then again, this makes total sense.
As you can see on that top left corner of that image, the game is presented by the National Republican Senatorial Committee (NRSC). Even though Mission Majority is primarily a recruiting tool, having an extra mailing list in handy is always vital during an election year. Hell, think about the mailing list the Obama campaign had accumulated back in 2008 and how valuable that became in time of his re-election. Mailing lists – digital or otherwise – are powerful tools in campaigns.
Regardless, that be some bulllllllllllllllllllllllllllllshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiit making me give them an email address!
After sulking for a good 13 minutes about giving up personal information, it only took 2 minutes looking up and giving them a fake email address I use. So from this point on, I’m Franklin D. and want to experience Mission Majority in all its glory!
The game takes a good 100 words to explain a simple premise. Find three keys that help “unlock the Senate and help Republicans win the majority” in each level. That’s basically it.
Oh, and you have to avoid these guys.
They are called Taxers. And as Mission Majority describes them, “Harry Reid and President Obama sent the job-destroying Taxers to stop you! You need to avoid them. Jumping on top of them suppresses their high taxes.”
“Jumping on top of them suppresses their high taxes,” has to be the single greatest line of the game! Not to mention the look of the thing – looks like someone glued googly eyes on a fake document – to the AMAZINGLY DUMB symbolism makes it a thing of beauty.
I love the Taxers!
(Side Note: I’m just throwing this out there, but my reaction to the Taxers was probably not what Mission Majority was going for.)
I start to play the game.
And as expected…
The controls are God awful.
Like really, really bad.
You move with the arrow keys and jump with either the X key or the Up-Arrow key on your keyboard. Of course I used the X key to jump, because I’m not a soulless monster.
The game itself is a simple platformer. Akin to a Mario game. Well, that’s if the Mario games starred a GOP loving elephant with a headband, controlled as if the programmers never quite grasped the concept of gravity, and weren’t ostensibly terrible. But otherwise than that, totally the same.
Ok to be fair, it’s a flash game from the NRSC. I wasn’t expecting The Last of Us or anything. So maybe I’m being too harsh. Also as long as it doesn’t get more complicated than walking on flat surfaces and jumping on Taxers, I could live with the substandard controls for Mission Majority’s “so dumb, that it’s the greatest thing in the world” swagger.
Remember when I said I don’t think I could love the taxers any more than I do?
The game has made me love them even more!
Anytime you jump on the taxers a sound bite from a prominent Democrat plays. I’m sorry I should repeat that with the appropriate emphasis. A SOUND BITE OF A PROMINENT DEMOCRAT PLAYS WHEN YOU JUMP ON THE TAXERS!!!!
Ok Mission Majority, I’m back on board!
However the sound bites are mostly of President Obama, Harry Reid, and Hillary Clinton. Which is strange because only one of them is a US Senator and the game is meant to take back the Senate from the Democrats; wouldn’t it make sense to have sound bites of Senate Democrats? Also it’s not like there is a shortage of Senators saying dumb things.
Then again, I’m thinking more than the NRSC intended me to. I should just let Giopi’s odyssey wash over me.
It didn’t take long to beat the first level of the game. It’s pretty easy and if the game doesn’t make you do anything more difficult than that, then we should be good Mission Majority.
The second level introduces a new enemy! It’s called the Mudslinger. They explain it as, “Democrats’ Mudslingers hurl false and empty rhetoric.” I had high hopes for this one, but at the end of the day, they are just enemies that stand in one place.
Just to make myself clear, they are no Taxers! But then again, what is.
Ok Mission Majority, I just reached the third level. There were some parts in the second level that weren’t tough necessarily, but SUPER annoying. You better check yo self Mission Majority!
Ok, I’ll admit it. The sound bites are starting to wear on me. Not in concept mind you – that’s pure gold – but it’s wearing on me because there isn’t enough variety to them. Don’t get me wrong, the sound bites Mission Majority uses are great. But there’s only so many times I can hear President Obama saying “you didn’t build that.”
Tread lightly Mission Majority.
I play video games. I know how they work. Hell in another life I used to review them. So I ask this with the purest sincerity.
WHAT THE HELL MISSION MAJORITY?!?
We had a good thing going! Then all of a sudden you add these crazy platforming sections with these terrible controls! I’ve died like five times!
THAT SHOULDN’T HAPPEN IN A FLASH GAME DESIGNED AS A RECRUITING AD!!!
I mean, come on!!! I was all in man, and you Mission Majority, you took what we had –which was beautiful – and threw it all away!
I don’t think I could ever love you the same way Mission Majority.
Ok I somehow have made it to the final stage. Now you are turning on switch instead of collecting keys, because, I don’t know, why the fuck not I guess…
At this point it’s not about love anymore Mission Majority. I’m playing you with Demi Lovato’s “Really Don’t Care” blasting through my laptop speakers on infinite loop. Is this what you wanted Mission Majority?
IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!?
As I keep fumbling through the final stage, I have what alcoholics would call “a moment of clarity.”
Maybe, just maybe, this wasn’t a flash game at all. Maybe I’ve now taken part in some kind of nefarious social experiment for the NRSC. Maybe this whole flash game is some kind of simulator in which you go through the 5 steps of volunteering for a political campaign.
Step 1: Irrational Excitement – You know you are part of history right here. You know it in your heart and you feel it in your bones!
Step 2: Denial – Anything bad you ever heard about the campaign or party you assume are vicious lies from the opposition.
Step 3: Anger – Not anger for your own party, but anger for the opponent’s party. This is the stage you start making it a habit of getting out of your car at every intersection and removing your opponent’s campaign signs.
Step 4: Depression – This happens only after a senior member in the campaign made an off-hand comment about an issue that you deeply care about. In this step you bounce back-and-forth between Step 2 and this step quite often.
Step 5: Acceptance – Not remembering anymore why you volunteered for this, but for some stupid reason you stick around to see it through till the end. Because you have nowhere else to go…
So in a way this is kind of like The Last Starfighter, only way less cooler and the only thing that lies at the end of this journey is soul crushing disappointment.
In other words…
After only having one more switch left to turn off, this suddenly appeared:
It’s too little, too late Mission Majority! Even a hilariously bad pixelated drawing of “Sad Joe Biden” will not fix things. The wounds are too deep! You had your chance! YOU BLEW IT!!!
FINALLY!!!! THE PROMISED LAND!!!
It was a crazy ride. So by law, we must end our time with this.
Now let us never speak of this again.
Final Analysis: After a Few Hours of Introspection
What started as a fun stupid joke ended being a waking nightmare. If anything this flash game has made me… I mean Franklin D. a Democrat for life.
What about Giopi you say?
Well if that little elephant is like any other low level political volunteer, he stays on with the political campaign until that inner-voice of political advocacy will slowly, but surely, be crushed. Either that or law school. Whichever one comes first.