The GOP’s Four Point Plan for the 2014 Mid-Terms

GOP Plan

It’s like the KISS Principle of political campaigning. Only with a lot more money and more Karl Rove. Hey, whatever works man. Whatever works.

 

 

So did you see yesterday’s primary results? Spoiler alert, the GOP establishment cleaned up in the primaries yet again. With President Obama’s approval rating not doing so hot and you know history, it’s starting to look good for the GOP in the 2014 Mid-Terms. How did this happen you ask?

 

Well with a little moxie and some deep analysis, we have simulated a four point plan that could have distributed internally within the Republican Party. Because what good is analysis without conjecture!    

 

 

1)  Raise a Shit Ton of Money

When I mean a shit ton, I mean A SHIT TON OF MONEY! Something like nearly $500 million on both Senate and House races by the end of primary season. (Note to Self: When questioning the plan just play this over and over again. Just remember to exchange the word “women” for “congressional seat.”)

 

2) Never Use the Phrase “Occupied Territories” When Talking to Sheldon Adelson about Israel

Just ask Gov. Christie. Phrases that can be used instead; “The Land of Finders Keepers”, “Israel”, or “That Place Where Unexplained Conflict Happens.” We use our words carefully because we care deeply about Adelson’s large sums of cash perspective on Middle East politics.

 

3) So The Tea Party…

Listen, the Tea Party is great. They brought in some new life into the Republican Party and man can they throw a rally! But, if you keep asking voters if they #GotBalls then things can get awkward. You know what, you played hard, time take a knee. I think we can handle this.

 

4)  It is Imperative that We Have a Sacrificial Virgin on Staff at a Moment’s Notice

Karl Rove can only be powered till August at the latest. After that we will have to sacrifice a “women of virtue true” to the Egyptian God Ra to keep this empty vessel going through November. A side note, Rove gives the best drunk speeches.

 

 

Why yes, I did see Scarface last night. Why do you ask?

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